Give My Regards to Spooner Street
by JStormTrooper
Summary: Peter, Joe and Quagmire create an internet show to pass the time after Joe looses his job and Peter quits drinking. Meanwhile, Stewie and Brian switch bodies and lives. The title is based off of the record "Give My Regards to Broad Street".
1. Chapter 1

"Lois, the doorbell" Peter shouted, as Lois frantically ran down the stairs to answer it.

"Hello Lois" Mort squealed as he walked in the door. "I brought you some Jewish-style pot-roasted brisket.

"Oh, thank you Mort" Lois smiled as she slipped the food in to the trash bin, trying to do so without Mort seeing.

Lois then turned around to see Peter, beer in hand, watching TV.

"Damn it Peter, we have company inside" nagged Lois.

"Fine I'll go in, but I don't know why we need to have New Years at our house this year" Peter complained. "Don't you remember how fun it was last year at Quagmire's house when he simulated being in Times Square"

The scene cuts to a group of Quahog residents crowded inside of Quagmires house.

"What the hell" Mort cried as something moved past his leg.

"I think that someone just grabbed my ass" shouted Bonnie Swanson, rubbing her lower back.

"Hey, where did my phone go" Peter exclaimed, checking both of his pockets.

Quagmire then ran back to his couch and sat down.

"See that was fun" he said to all of his friends who were squashed in the tiny room.

The scene cuts back to Stewie in his room, as Brian open's up his door.

"Hey Stewie, everyone's here and Lois wants you to say hi" said Brian, walking in to the room.

"Wait one moment" Stewie replied, attaching a couple of wires to a 7 foot tall machine.

"Woah, Stewie, what is this" asked Brian, open-eyed.

"I'm glad that you asked" Stewie responded "Remember when you said that all I do is whine and complain and I don't get anything done, well I want to make a deal, how about for our New Year's resolutions we switch bodies for one week"

"And what are the stakes" Brian questioned.

"If you realize that my life is harder than yours, I will make sure that Lois and the fat man don't put you down, and let you die on your own"

"And If you think that my life is harder than yours" asked Brian.

"Then you have to let me keep your Prius" Stewie answered.

"Ok, agreed" Brian said, shaking Stewie's hand.

Stewie then motioned Brian in to the machine and closely followed him. Stewie closed the door, flipped a switch inside and the machine began to cloud with a blue mist.

Back down stairs, many Quahog residents crowded around the Griffin's living room.

"Are you guys ready to watch the ball drop" Peter screamed as he turned the TV on.

"10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1"everyone called together as the ball dropped.

Everyone screamed and waved their hands.

"Happy New Year everyone" Peter smiled as he kissed Lois.

As everyone was celebrating, Quagmire had drugged Meg and carried her boy to the door. Joe noticed this and trailed after him.

"Quagmire" Joe screamed as he wheeled towards him.

Quagmire noticed Joe and ran faster with Meg on his shoulder.

As Quagmire ran Joe gained speed and could almost reach him.

Quagmire then dropped Meg's body and took off. The body stopped Joe's wheelchair, sending him flying in to Quagmire.

"You're going to jail Quagmire, I'm sorry that I have to do this" Joe said, smashing Quagmire's face in to the ground.

As Joe was arresting Quagmire, a passing car ran over Meg, sending her flying in front of the Griffin's lawn, in to a pile of manure that Brian had previously laid**.**

Adam West, who was walking by gasped at the sight of the mangled body.

"What a hideous lawn gnome" West gasped as he kept walking.

Back in the house, Stewie and Brian emerged from the machine, now in different bodies.

"It worked, it really worked" Stewie yelled in excitement. "Why do I taste penis and garbage?"

"It's better than what I'm stuck with" Brian snapped. "You crapped your diaper before we went in the machine, you douche"

"I thought I could give you a good luck present on the way in" Stewie smiled back.

The two walked downstairs to meet the guests.

Peter was drinking beer after beer, and was as drunk as anyone could be.

"Hey Lois, how about another kiss" Peter asked, as he grabbed Jillian and began tongue kissing her.

"Peter, you son of a bitch, get the hell off of my girl" Brian screamed, now in Stewie's body.

Everyone quickly turned to Brian and stared at him, including Peter who dropped Jillian.

"Uhhh, I mean damn you all" Brian rambled, as he ran back up stairs.

Stewie now in Brian's body picked up Jillian and walked outside with her.

The two stumbled upon Meg who was bloodied up, unconscious and covered in Brian's fecal matter.

"Woah, she's giving a whole new meaning to getting sh*t-faced" Stewie joked as he and Jillian walked down the street.

Joe then entered the Griffin house with Quagmire in hand-cuffs.

"What's going on Joe" Lois inquired as Joe wheeled in.

"It seems that Quagmire has drugged your daughter" Joe announced. "He was also dragging her limb body to his house, and most likely was going to have sexual intercourse with her"

"Giggity" Quagmire croaked, before being hit in the groin by Joe's police baton.

"The good news is that this pervert's going to jail" Joe continued "The bad news is that we don't know where your daughter's body is"

Outside, Meg woke up, wiped some of the waste off of her face and walked in.

"Where am I" Meg asked as she started to cry.

"Think fast" Peter screamed as he threw a bottle of beer at his daughter's face, causing her to fall down.


	2. Chapter 2

Stewie and Jillian walked in to the clam, holding hands.

They stood inside of the bar, at the entrance.

"Don't we have to seat ourselves" Jillian asked.

"No, no, I'm sure they'll have someone here to seat us" Stewie replied, waiting for a matradee.

Stewie started to get annoyed when several servers had passed him and were busy doing other things.

"Excuse me, sir" Stewie called, grabbing the attention of Opie who was passing by.

Opie was a mentally handicapped man, who worked with Peter at the Pawtucket beer factory.

"Yes sir, my date and I have been waiting a very long time and we would like to be seated" Stewie snapped, annoyed at Opie's appearance.

Opie babbled something that Stewie couldn't make out and ran off.

"I can't believe this place" Stewie remarked, rolling his eyes.

Stewie and Jillian then sat at a booth table and waited for a server.

Jillian sat down comfortably, waiting for Stewie to do the same. Instead Stewie sat down next to her, but got jelly on his newly acquired fur.

"Damn it, son of bitch" shouted Stewie, peeling his fur from the seat.

"Brian, are you ok" Jillian asked.

"Do you think I'm ok, I have jelly smeared all over my ass, which isn't even half as bad as my tail which won't stop wagging and I always have this strange urge to raid Lois's underwear draw" snapped Stewie.

Jillian began tearing up.

"No, come on Jillian" Stewie comforted her, trying to do what Brian would. "You want to play with my dinosaur toys?"

Jillian nodded her head, and Stewie placed a small, tin box on the table.

"This is a tyrannosaurus Rex" Stewie told her, handing his date the toy. "What our favorite kind of Dinosaur"

"The Thesaurus" responded Jillian.

Stewie slapped his forehead and ran his hand down his face.

The scene cuts to Brian, in Stewie body at the Griffin's house.

"What the hell, why do I have a strange urge to eat legos" Brian wondered, trying to adjust to Stewie's stubby legs. "His legs are so short, how the hell does he get around"

Brian tumbled over on his head.

"And his head outweighs the rest of his body" complained Brian, balancing his weight.

"Here honey, I'll put on your shows" Lois said, picking Brian up and bringing his to the living room. "Do you want to watch Elmo?"

"No thank you, can I watch Wings" Brian asked.

"Ok sweetie, here's Elmo" Lois replied, not being about to understand Brian.

"Huh, it seems that she doesn't understand how Stewie talks" Brian wondered. "No wonder why she hasn't called a therapist for him yet"

Brian started watching the television screen, which featured talking muppets.

"These wonderfully orchestrated songs and colorful characters" thought Brian, unable to look away. "It's irresistible"

Brian soon learned that being Stewie may not be as easy as he thought, but it still was a simple life.

The scene cuts away to Stewie and Jillian sitting at the drunken Clam. The two are surrounded by a stack of beer bottles. Both were very drunk and Stewie was very tired of being up past his usual bedtime.

"So then I said if you just lick it, it'll last longer" remarked Stewie, ending a joke that he had made up.

Both of them laughed together and then started passionately kissing.

"Hey Brian, how about we go back to my place" suggested Jillian, rubbing Stewie's head.

The scene cuts to Jillian and Stewie in bed.

"Ok, think Stewie, what would Brian do" Stewie thought as Jillian impatiently waited for him.

"So do you want to play monopoly" shot Stewie, thinking that would be the right thing to say.

"I was thinking more on the lines of this" replied Jillian, kissing him again.

"Yes, touching tongues is great, but what do you and Brian do most of the time" Stewie inquired.

"Wait…what do you mean Brian" Jillian responded, confused.

"I mean what do we usually do" Stewie said, correcting himself.

"Well the first thing is" started Jillian, closing the lights.

After a couple of minutes Jillian turned the lights to her apartment back on and sat up on her bed.

"So…that was sex" Stewie confidently said. "That was awesome. And you were almost as aggressive as Hitler was."

The scene cuts to Hitler at a table with two Nazi officers.

"Hey anybody want to hear a joke" Hitler asked.

"Yeah, sure, what is it" the officer replied.

"Why are Yankee dollars green?" Hitler began. "Because Jews pick them before they're ripe"

All three men laugh and hit the table.

**"**No but seriously kill every one of them" demanded Hitler.

The scene cuts to the Drunken Clam, where Peter and Joe sat at a table, drinking and laughing.

"Hey Horace, another Pat please" Peter ordered, still laughing.

"The rest of the beers that you guys drink are on the house" Horace answered back, handing the two men their drinks.

"Hey, thanks a lot Horace" Peter replied, gulping down his beer.

"No problem Pete, you Quagmire and Joe re my most loyal customers" exclaimed Horace. "Hey where is the little delinquent"

"In jail, he was caught drugging and contemplating to rape a teenage girl' Joe expressed. "Peter's daughter to be exact"

"And you're not mad at him" Horace asked.

"No, not at all, Quagmire's my pal, and I'm sure that he would have taken great care of her" assured Peter.

Horace walked away, leaving the two friends clanking beers in a toast.

"To the Clam" Peter shouted. "The place where we can get away life for a while"

All of the men in the bar cried "The Clam" and sipped their beers. It was a great place to enjoy with friends, enjoy with alcohol and enjoy during a hangover.

It had been about 17 beers in when Peter and Joe finally realized that they were wasted.

"Peter…Peter…whose gonna drive us" Joe asked while lying on the floor.

"I don't know but ah…I'm…wow, I…I like fast foods"

Joe threw up on the floor and Peter fell next to him.

Peter then got up, wobbling while he limped to the counter.

"Another Patriot Ale please" Peter asked, while throwing up on the counter."I feel worse than Spider Man did after getting his new black suit"

The scene cuts away to a Spider Man, lying on his bed, allowing the black suit to attach itself to his body.

"Alright, now to check this bad boy out" Spider Man exclaimed, pulling his pants down.

"Aw damn it" he yelled at the sight of himself. "It didn't work"


	3. Chapter 3

"No guys, you two are so drunk that you can barely walk" Horace argued as Peter and Joe asked for my booze.

"Please Horace, just one more drop" Peter pled.

"Come on, can we please jus have another one each" begged Joe.

"You son of a bitch, you think that you can drink more than me" Peter yelled.

"What if I do" Joe questioned, starring Peter down.

Peter punched Joe in the face and then crawled away. Joe crawled towards him, held his leg, and twisted it.

Peter screamed in pain and held his leg. Joe turned a table over and pushed it over on Peter.

Peter then threw up on Joe's face and smashed a beer bottle over his head. Joe held his bleeding head and punched Peter in the groin.

Peter stood up and kicked his friend in the face before falling over himself.

Joe, who was filled with anger loaded his hand gun and pointed it at Peter.

"No blaster, no blasters" Horace screamed and hid under the counter.

"Joe, what the hell are you doing" asked Peter, feeling betrayed by his friend.

Joe placed the gun down and started to cry. Peter joined him and they both started crying and hugging each other.

Horace took out his phone and started recording the scene that was before him.

"This is going on YouTube fellas" chuckled Horace. "This is even funnier than that video with those fat people falling"

Back at the Griffin's house, Joe and Peter sat down on a couch.

Lois and Bonnie applied carbon peroxide on the two men's wounds.

"I am extremely disappointed in both of you" Lois complained. "But I'm not surprised, that's what alcohol does, it makes smart people stupid and stupid people republicans"

"You two could have killed yourselves" added Bonnie, who pressed a cotton swab on Joe's forehead. "And you both have to go to court on Tuesday"

"What, why" Peter asked.

"Because Quagmire tried to rape Meg and you are her father Peter" Lois explained. "And what is even worse than that is that neither of you are going to drink again"

"No way Lois, you know that drinking is my favorite past time" replied Peter, who was very upset by Lois's demands.

"Well boys we knew that this would be hard for you" Bonnie said. "So we'll give you a choice, us or beer"

The scene cuts away to Peter and Joe at the Clam.

"I sure do miss Lois" Peter remarked, drinking some of his beer.

"Yup, the singles life is good" added Joe, who had finished his drink.

The scene turned out to be a flipbook.

"Hey Lois" chuckled Peter, holding a small book of him and Joe at the Clam. "It's an optical illusion"

"That's great Peter, but you have to go to court later today, and you need to try out your suit" nagged Lois, ironing Peter's outfit.

At the courtroom, Bruce was standing, facing the jury.

"Ok y'all, I'm representing the defense" he announced, twisting his mustache.

"Alright, so let's get this thing wrapped up because I'm not missing my Desperate Housewives" the judge stated.

Joe wheeled up to the front of the courtroom.

"People of the jury, this man has a record of raping and drugging people before" sneered Joe, pointing at Quagmire.

"Joe, what are you doing, you're my best friend" Quagmire cried.

"The job comes first Quagmire" Joe replied.

"Sir, in my defense, I only drugged the girl because she wouldn't shut up about stupid teen dramas" Quagmire complained to the judge. "I mean she talked about this show Degrassi all day. And the only reason why I drugged myself is because she's really ugly"

"Really, do you have a picture" the judge asked.

"Yup, right here" Quagmire responded, pulling as picture of Meg out of his pants.

The judge screamed in terror and hid his face.

"Judge, does it matter this girl's physical attraction, even though she looks like a disfigured version of Robert De Niro" Joe pointed out. "The fact is that he drugged her, and he is now admitting to drugging himself".

"Ladies and gents, 'specially the gents" Bruce giggled. "May I remind the court that this officer hangs out with the defendant? There is also footage of the officer brutally attacking a man in a bar"

Bruce placed a laptop on a table, in front of the jury and turned the video on.

The screen portrayed Peter and Joe beating each other up and then hugging each other.

"What a couple of queers" a voice from the back of the room shouted.

"You better be going somewhere with this" the judge boomed.

"Well it's already gotten a couple thousand views, and it is promoting a police officer getting drunk and beating a civilian up while on the job" Bruce responded, still playing the video.

"Objection, this has nothing to do with the case at hand" shouted Joe, who was severely embarrassed by the video.

"Well Mr. Swanson, he does have a point, it was the same night that you arrested the accused man, how do I know that you weren't drunk when you made the arrest" questioned the judge.

"Well…sir…I" rambled Joe.

"Exactly" the judge responded. "Mr. Quagmire, you are free to go, and Mr. Swanson, you are hereby on extended absence of your police duties"

"Yes" Quagmire screamed, running out of the courtroom with a smile.

Peter patted Joe on the shoulder and the two left the courtroom.

"Wow, I haven't felt this bad since that time I went to a Mensa meeting" Peter said.

The scene cuts to Peter at a table next to several older men.

"Giraffiti" a man asked."That's not even a word"

"Yes it is, you're just jealous because I made it up first" answered Peter.

"And what is it suppose to mean" the man shot back.

"When some on spray paints on a very tall area" Peter responded.

"Just get the hell out of here" another man yelled.

Back at the Swanson's house, Joe sat on his couch, sulking.

"Joe, wallowing about your problems isn't very helpful right now" said Bonnie, sitting down next to him. "You need to find another line of work"

"I don't even know where to start" Joe sighed.

"You could always be an IMAX screen cleaner" Bonnie replied.

The scene cuts to Joe, sitting on a latter, wiping a theatre screen.

As he was climbing down the latter, with his lifeless legs swinging in the air, the THX logo appeared on the IMAX screen and its load, booming sound threw Joe off of the latter and in to the audience.


	4. Chapter 4

Lois walked in to the bathroom and saw Peter on the toilet, she screamed and ran out.

"Peter, are you ok" Lois questioned, placing her head on the door.

"No, stay away from me" yelled Peter.

"Peter get out of the damn bathroom" demanded Lois, pounding on the door.

"No, I'm feeling almost as bad as Obi-Wan Kenobi does when he goes to a club" Peter screamed back.

The scene cuts to older Obi-Wan drinking a beverage when General Grievous, who was a robot with four arms, walks towards him. Grievous had one girl in each arm.

"Yo Kenobi, what is the shizzle" Grievous stammered.

"Hey Grievous" Kenobi murmured to him, not wanting to be bothered.

"You want one of these bitches, I got three more" Grievous offered. "You're a Jedi; you must know how to please women.

"In my experience there is no such thing as f*ck" responded Obi-Wan, walking away.

The scene cuts back to Lois waiting outside of the bathroom.

The door swung open and Peter ran downstairs.

"Peter, I know that not being wasted all of the time is taking a toll on you" Lois admitted. "But, you need to find another hobby other than drinking"

Lois followed him down the stairs.

"What is that on your arm" Lois asked, grabbing it away from him.

She saw a gash which ran across his wrist.

"Oh my god Peter, are you trying to kill yourself" she shrieked in horror.

'I told you I couldn't go without beer for too long" answered Peter.

"Don't you think that's a little drastic" she yelled.

"Calm down, I was only kidding" Peter revealed. "Honestly, I wanted some ice cream and I couldn't find scissors to open the plastic so I grabbed a knife and it cut through the plastic right to my arm"

Lois shot him a look of anger, which sent Peter laughing uncontrollably.

"I got you good Lois" he laughed.

Lois looked at him, and then walked away without saying a word.

Peter got up and answered the door after hearing a series of knocks.

"Hey Peter" greeted Joe.

"Hey Joe, I'm sorry about getting you fired. I really let you down, didn't I" Peter asked.

"It's my fault too, I know that I shouldn't have been drinking but I did it anyway" Joe sorrowfully said. "But I would still like to see that YouTube video of us beating each other up.

"Yeah, you know what I didn't get to have a good look at it either" giggled Peter, running upstairs to get his laptop.

He came back down with it and began typing.

"Is this it" Joe asked.

"Yup" answered Peter, tilting his laptop screen back.

The two watched the video, laughing the whole way through, to the point where they both were in tears.

"That had to be one of the funniest things that I have ever seen" Peter roared.

"Hey Peter, what's that video on the bottom" Joe pointed out.

Peter scrolled to the bottom of the screen and clicked on the related video. Two guys who were lighting flames to their butts and then farting came up, which made Peter and Joe laugh harder than they had before.

"Hey Peter, do you see how many subscriptions they have" said Joe. "Over one hundred thousand and it looks like YouTube is paying them for making videos"

Joe turned to Peter and gave him a nod.

"I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking" Peter smirked. "We should jump in a pile of leaves"

Joe shook his head.

"Fart until our asses hurt"

Again, Joe shook his head.

"Something to do with money….and videos" thought Peter.

Joe waved his hand towards himself.

"Make videos on YouTube that are popular enough to make money" Peter realized.

"I bet we can become more popular than Jesus was on the cross" Joe stated.

The scene cuts away to Jesus, with closed eyes, hanging on the cross.

His cell phone begins to ring to the tune of "Lollipop" by lil Wayne.

"Damn it" Jesus yelled, pulling the nails off of his hands so that he could answer his text.

"Brb my apostle John, gtg and die for your sins" Jesus read aloud. "Cya when I resurrect next Sunday"

Jesus sighed and put his cell away.

The scene cuts to Stewie, in Brian's body coming home.

"Hey buddy, you were out all day, anything interesting go on" Peter asked as Stewie walked past him.

"Yup, I did some grown up stuff today, I was drunk for my first time which is pretty cool" Stewie replied. "And I got it in with my girlfriend"

"That's great buddy" Peter responded.

Stewie walked away, looking to see if Brian broke under the pressure of being an infant.

"Brian, Brian" called Stewie.

Stewie walked up the stairs, to Peter's bedroom to find Lois breast feeding Brian.

"Ah, what the hell" Stewie screamed.

"Brian get out of here, I'm busy with Stewie" she cried.

"But I'm Stewie" Stewie whispered.

"These are defiantly the perks of getting to be you buddy" expressed Brian.

Stewie waited in his room for Brian to come running in. Brian pranced in and smiled at Stewie.

"You still think that your life is harder" chuckled Brian, who snuggled comfortably in Stewie's bed.

"Absolutely" Stewie argued, but was truly lying to himself.

"Well, my next novel is due this Tuesday" announced Brian. "Don't hurt yourself writing it"

Stewie ran out of Brian's room and sat in the kitchen with his laptop.

"How the hell do you turn this thing on" shouted Stewie, looking for the power button. "God, I'm more behind the times than a senior citizen who has just gotten a Facebook"

The scene cuts away to an elderly man in a nursing home, sitting at a computer desk. He typed in "Just was visited by family, I'm glad that they're well" as his status. He immediately received a comment on his post that read "Glad that they're well, they put you in this hellhole you old coot".

"Up yours Margret" he shouted to another elderly person to the right of him.

The scene cuts back to Stewie typing up his story on the computer. It took him a while to think of a story.

"Crap, what hasn't been written about" complained Stewie. "How about a mad scientist who transforms himself into a mutated walking catfish so he can kill all of those who've wronged him".

"Nope, they've made a movie about that already" said Brian, who had suddenly appeared behind Stewie's chair.

"What, are you serious, that's the most ridiculous premise that I've ever heard of" Stewie exclaimed.

"Well complain to the creators of Zaat" Brian responded. "Anyway, I'm off to bed"

"Oh ha ha ha, we'll see who gets the last laugh Brian, we'll see" mumbled Stewie who was still hard aat work on his writing piece.


	5. Chapter 5

Peter, Joe and Quagmire asked Horace to let them film in the Drunken Clam's back room. They were allowed to do so only If they gave his bar credit in the video.

The back room of the Drunken Clam was disheveled, with work out equipment and a vandalized brick wall. And on the ceiling was a mural of two armies fighting.

"See, I knew that Giraffiti should be a word, I mean how the hell did some drug dealer get all the way up there" Peter complained.

Peter walked to the middle of the room, set up his tripod and gave the thumbs up to his two friends.

"Ok first day of filming our new YouTube series" Peter announced, holding a camera in front of him. "AquaMongoose episode one"

"You picked AquaMongoose as our show name" asked Joe.

"Yeah, I mean, honestly, me and Quagmire just thought of two random words, said it at the same time and made it our name" Peter explained. "Alright guys…and….action.

Quagmire ran in front of the camera jumping around and waving his hands, Joe quickly rolled in frame and shouted in excitement.

"And cut" said Peter. "Wow, you guys that was really funny, you guys"

"That was so awesome, we should upload it now" Quagmire suggested.

Peter connected his camera to his laptop and put the newly made video on YouTube.

"What should I put in the tags" Peter inquired.

"Well, just to be a douche we should tag words like porn, full episodes of 1,000 ways to die, monkeys and car crashes" suggested Quagmire. "That way if people type any of those searches up, they'll get directed to our video"

"That's not that funny Quagmire, that actually sounds pretty annoying" argued Peter, not sure what he should do.

"If we want views, we need to get them by any means possible" Quagmire pointed out. "Even if it means promising our viewers something that we can't deliver them"

"That's kind of a dick move" replied Peter.

"Nah, it's cool, alot of famous YouTube celebrities lie about some of the stuff that they post" answered Quagmire.

The scene cuts to one of Fred's video.

"Hey you guys, this video is going to be super funny" he spoke in his iconic chipmunk-like voice.

The scene cuts back to Joe updating their video.

"Now just wait for the reviews" Joe said, pleased with the work that they had done with as little effort as possible.

The three guys waited for hours. Sometimes they would fall asleep on the ground, leaning on the brick wall, and other times they would pace.

After a few hours, the video had gotten one view.

"Guys, we freakin' did it, we got a view" exclaimed Peter.

"Did they leave a response" Joe asked.

"Nope, just one view…oop, we have another" Peter said, as the number changed to two views.

The guys waited again, looking at the computer screen from time to time, hoping that this new hobby would work.

"So, how's the absence of alcohol in your lives" questioned Quagmire. "It must be hard getting rid of that constant urge to drink"

"It's terrible, I'm so desperate for a drink that last night I found myself drinking that first aid antiseptic alcohol bottle, and I threw up for like two hours" Peter answered.

Joe and Quagmire groaned together.

"Yeah, it's been rough for me too, now instead of falling asleep after I leave the Clam, I'm wide awake at night" added Joe.

The scene cuts away to Joe and Bonnie in bed.

"Joe, I'm not really in the mood tonight" Bonnie nagged.

"We're having sex" Joe commanded calmly.

"Joe, I really don't want to" she urged.

"We're HAVING SEX" he yelled back, in a voice only Joe can scream.

The scene cuts back to the three guys around the computer.

"Hey, while we're waiting let's watch a video" Peter proposed.

"Sure, hey click on that one with the cat" screeched Quagmire.

A video with a cat in clothes with his paws out, over a keyboard started playing.

Peter, Joe and Quagmire sat opened eyed, waiting for what would happen.

The cat started playing the keyboard in a catchy tune for a few seconds.

After the video was finished, each of the men were severely disappointed.

"What the hell was that, we could do something as million times better" Peter squawked. "And look at how many views and good ratings that it got"

Peter turns from the computer desk, to face the reader/audience.

"I'm serious, like if you haven't seen it yet, go on YouTube, type in "Charlie Schmidt's Keyboard Cat – Original", and it has like twelve million views" Peter stated. "And I mean it's so fake too, you can clearly see the guys hand up the cat's ass".

Peter freezes and looks around.

"Uhhh line please" Peter asked, anxiously.

"Just make a joke, so that we could cut out" someone responded off screen, under their breathe.

"So, uh, let's go see what screwy things that Stewie and Brian are doing" announced Peter. "Jeez...am I fired"

Back at the Griffin's house, Stewie and Brian bickered the way they usually do, but in reverse roles.

"Brian, can you take out the mail" Lois asked.

"Sure, no problem" replied Stewie, grabbing the mail from her hand and walking outside.

It hadn't been Stewie's day, he had a massive headache from the night before, he had to shelve his pride to poop out on the lawn where Brian usually does and he had to sit at the foot of Peter and Lois's bed. On top of all of this, it was hailing.

Stewie ran towards the mailbox, and as he did, the fierce wind threw a car in to it.

"Damn it, in what world does that happen" Stewie shouted, running to Brian's car.

He put the keys in ignition and moved the gear shift in to drive.

"Damn" Stewie yelled after realizing that his feet couldn't reach the pedals.

He opened the glove compartment and a bag of meth dropped out. Stewie picked it up and held it in front of him.

"What is this, sugar" Stewie said to himself, looking around. "Lois doesn't let me have sugar, I wonder how it tastes"

Stewie took a handful out of the bag and stuck it in his mouth.

"Gee, it smells funny too" he added.

Stewie took a deep breath out of the meth bag and started twitching.

He started banging his head against the driver's window, with blood dripping from his nose.

He cranked up the radio to its highest sound level and banged his head against the steering wheel.

Peter, walks passed the car, in to the house.

"Hey honey, where have you been all day" asked Lois.

"I've been filming YouTube videos with Joe and Quagmire all day" Peter replied.

"Yeah, and how are they going" Lois inquired.

"Not as good as I thought, we only had seven views today and two comments that both told me to f*ck myself and shove dry ice up my ass. Peter responded "I think that this whole video thing is a waste of time"

"All of you shouldn't be fooling around with internet videos, and start finding Joe a new line of work" Lois I'm sure that somebody out there that's watching your videos, so don't get your hopes down" The scene cuts away to President Bush sitting down in pajamas watching Peter's YouTube video.

"What the hell this isn't Shane Dawson" Bush complained. "I like my YouTuber's emo and homosexual"

"Honey, your tater tots are done" his wife, Laura called.

"Tater tots, sweet" Bush said, turning his computer off.

The scene cuts back to the Griffin's house.

"Peter, look, you guys need to help find Joe a new job soon before he starts running out of money" insisted Lois.

"Fine, but let us make our next video first" Peter argued. "We call it "Illegal Alien vs. Child Predator"

The scene cuts to Consuela dressed up in a black alien costume and Herbert dressed up as the Predator.

"Hey, I thought you guys said that I was filling in for one of you as a guardian for a school trip or something" Herbert complained, walking away, aided by his walker.

"I…I no can read these lines" added Consuela starring at a script.


	6. Chapter 6

The scene opens with Stewie and Brian sitting at the Griffin's couch.

"Hey Brian, he really need to switch back, you had some tainted sugar in your car and I'm so f*cked up, you wouldn't believe it." whined Stewie

"No, I'll admit it, your life is better, and I intend to live it." Brian said.

"Come again?" Stewie inquired.

"I know it isn't like me but I just didn't have a great youth and I want to redo my life." Brian sounded.

"Brian, that's so unlike you, what are you talking about." worried Stewie. "You're lucky to live another 5 years, I have another 70 something."

"Don't worry, I only mean until your 3 or so." puffed Brian.

"But Brian, don't be so selfish, that's my childhood." Stewie cried.

"Yeah, well you take it for granted." yelled Brian.

"That doesn't mean you can act this immature and steal part of my life." argued Stewie.

"I'm sorry Stewie; I guess that I was so worried about growing old that I lost control of myself." Brian said.

"Listen Brian, I don't need to be taught a life lesson right now, just give me my f*cking body back man." Stewie sneered.

"Alright, I'm ready." sniffed Brian.

"I didn't really ask you if you were." shot Stewie.

The two walked upstairs, to Stewie's room and entered his machine.

They looked at each other and Stewie pressed the button.

In a matter of seconds Brian and Stewie switched back to their own bodies and walked out of the machine.

The scene cuts to Quagmire, Joe and Peter, with distressed looks, crowded around a laptop in the clam.

"Guys, this isn't working, I'm going to call it quits." Joe said. "We're wasting our time; this whole thing was just a waste."

"But Joe, what else am I going to do instead of drinking and driving?" Peter asked.

"I don't know." Joe answered. "But what I do know is that you're being selfish. I need a job and all you want is for me to screw around with stupid YouTube nerds."

Joe wheeled out of the bar.

"Well Quagmire, looks like it's just me and you." Peter moaned.

"Sorry Peter, I have to go to the emergency room." squealed Quagmire. "I just found out that I have green ooze flowing out of my penis."

"Oh ok, see you later." Peter answered calmly.

Quagmire walked away from the table and to his car.

Peter, left alone started watching YouTube videos.

He chose one that read "guy gets hit by car". He watched it and started laughing. He then saw that it had over 9,000 views.

"Holy crap, I just got myself an idea!" exclaimed Peter. "It's even better than the way that Wiz Khalifa get's lyrics for his songs."

The scene cuts away to Wiz Khalifa standing next to an Asian guy and a black guy.

"Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow" Wiz sang.

The scene cuts back to the outside of the bar.

A car passed by and Peter got ready to sprint at it.

As it passed, Peter threw a water balloon at it and started laughing.

After a while he sighed and put his camera down on the front door of the clam.

Peter started walking back home when two men with masks on started to beat him up.

Joe, who was only moments away, started rolling towards them.

Joe flung himself from his wheelchair and grabbed one of the men by their waists.

Peter was knocked unconscious and the two men started punching Joe.

Joe bit one man's arm and threw him at the other. He then smashed both of their heads together and placed handcuffs on both of them.

Peter suddenly woke up.

"Joe, you…you saved me!" he cried.

"All in a day's work Peter." Joe said, with his head down.

"Wait a minute, if you're not a cop anymore, how the hell did you have an extra set of handcuffs on you?" asked Peter.

"One night Quagmire and I were drinking and it got pretty messed up. Joe explained. "The point is I stole the two that we used and kept them on me for protection."

"So….you two had sex?" questioned Peter.

"WE DID'NT HAVE SEX!" Joe yelled.

"Wait, Joe, look at this." Peter shouted, holding up his camera. "It recorded everything; we can post this on YouTube."

"Yeah, I bet it'll get a lot of views." chucked Joe, rolling away.

Police cars surrounded Peter and the two thugs.

Peter sighed and knew what the right thing to do was.

Back at Joe's house, Bonnie was cooking dinner.

"Hey honey, how is the job hunt coming along?" Bonnie asked.

"Terrible." Joe replied. "I was Michael Vick's trainer for the day."

The scene cuts away to Joe and Michael Vick in a training room.

"One…two…three!" Joe screamed as Michael Vick punched a dog with each count.

The scene cut back to Joe and Bonnie at the kitchen table.

Bonnie put her arms around her husband.

"I'm sure something that isn't totally humiliating will come up soon." Bonnie said.

Joe wheeled towards the door after he heard a banging.

"Joe Swanson?" the man asked.

"Yeah." answered Joe.

"After being handed a vital piece of evidence in a mugging, we have decided to give you your job back." The man expressed. "Welcome back Officer Joe Swanson."

"Thank you sir." Joe responded.

As the man walked away, Joe saw Peter walking down the block.

Joe nodded to his friend and Peter nodded back.

The scene cuts to the Griffin's house.

Peter, Lois, Brian and the three kids sat at the dinner table.

"Well Peter, I know that your YouTube videos didn't become as big as a success as you would've hoped, but I think that you've learned a valuable lesson in friendship." declared Lois.

"Yup, booze is a man's best friend." Peter sighed, gulping his drink down.

"So Brian, how does it feel to be back in your flee infested corpse." Stewie asked.

"It feels good." assured Brian. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good." Stewie added. "I'm back to my baby powdered smelling self."

"So…uh, how are we ending this?" Lois asked.

"Play us off keyboard cat!" Peter shouted.

The keyboard cat stared playing his piano and the whole family laughed.

Michael Vick suddenly ran out of nowhere and punched keyboard cat in the face.


End file.
